What I'm Looking For

This week's distance run was scheduled for Saturday morning, and once again I had plans out on the water, canoeing on the Shenandoah this time. As a result my run was rescheduled for Sunday with my friend/trainer. The mileage dropped back down to 8 this week, and I found myself saying "only 8 miles" as I prepared to get on the trail. Only? What the hell?

We got on the W&OD at mile marker 27.5 at the Carolina Bros. BBQ place in Ashburn, and ran 4 miles east to Sterling and back. Despite the fact that I had stopped drinking wine only 4 hours earlier, and had less than 3 hours of sleep, the run was not miserable. It was, however, pouring down rain for a good portion of the last 4 miles. Fortunately, I had already been educated that we run anyway. I fantasized about crawling back into my nice warm bed for the majority of the way. The best part? Thanks to all the wine (and lack of any water before, during, or after the wine) I did not have to stop to pee once during the 8 miles! Awesome. We were done in about 1 hour, 30 minutes.

This whole process began about two months ago, and for everything I have learned about the science of running, I have learned even more about myself. I think it has something to do with the solitude out on the trail, it is just you and the pavement, even if you are running with a partner. It also has something to do with the nature of progress itself, you set a goal, you meet it, and set the next goal. But there is also something else that I cannot identify, something greater than solitude or progress...perhaps I am in the midst of a shift in paradigm, the movement from can't to can to did, the evolution of will over weakness, the emerging emphasis of life in lifestyle.

What I value, what I want, has also changed. I was divorced nearly 3 years ago, and have dated sporadically, unsuccessfully, since. During these past 3 years I would say that the song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2 would best describe how I felt about men and the whole dating process. I now believe that I was looking for the wrong thing. Instead of looking for someone to complete me, I should have been looking for someone that would help me to complete myself. Instead of looking for someone to please me, I should have been looking for someone that would push me. Instead of looking for a man that was going to love me, I should have been looking for a man that would run with me. Maybe instead of finding what I was looking for, I have found what I should have been looking for all along.